A true story about shame from Steffen Demian Jeran, an Educational Scientist from Berlin.

Shame

A boy of three and a half is sitting in a bathtub, the blissful feeling of warmth envelopes him and he melts. As he lets go of the thoughts swirling in his mind, he releases all the tension in his body. His sphincter relaxes...

Suddenly, he is no longer alone in the bath.

Overwhelmed, the naked boy scoops up lumps of floating shit and runs to show his mother. He finds her sitting in the garden with a friend. He met with a look of disgust. The boy is crushed. After flushing his shit down the toilet, a sense of emptiness washes over him and he begins to feel estranged from himself. This feeling will remain with the boy for his entire life, popping up frquently and without warning.

This little boy’s parents are of the belief that in order to succeed in life, material wealth and absolute financial security must be pursued relentlessly. And so the pair work, and work, and work. The boy is forced to learn how to be alone. Since there aren't many other kids his age in his village and since he find it hard to make friends, the boy finds a hobby: Television. Finally he can experience the adventures he longs for. The colourful world of anime, where misfits create fantastical lives is particularly alluring.

One summer, the boy - now eleven - is at his grandparents house. The TV is on, but there’s nothing exciting happening on screen. Looking at the clock, he realises that his favorite anime show is airing on a different channel and he begs the adults to let him watch it. After some initial power play, the adults agree. The button is pushed, and everyone looks over at the TV as a ranchy shower scene appears in front of them. Laughter floods room, "So this is what you watch all the time?" Fuck! Why? Where are the anime characters?

Shame hits him with the force of a locomotive. "I want to disappear," he thinks to himself, and runs from the room of mocking faces. The feeling remains though - even when he is alone.

Whenever he thinks about nudity or sexuality, the feeling haunts and constricts him. And the sense of shame is further reinforced as he grows older. He thinks of the locker room in the swimming hall in fourth grade, where all the boys change. The other bodies, the other penises, the never ending questions the technique he develops to put on his bathing suit without undressing. He visits the same swimming pool with his father. Sharing the locker room with him and feeling insignificant. Next to his father’s huge body the boy’s proportions seem even smaller - even more lanky and even more deficient and false. He wants to run away, but he knows he can’t outrun his shame. Beautiful moments like his first kiss, his first girlfriend or the first time he has sex are ruined by the fact that he has to tell his parents about them.

By now the feeling is triggered by much more than disgust, nudity, or sexuality, it is embedded at a much deeper level: Now the boy is triggered by all forms of physical intimacy. For most children it is normal to jump into the parental bed for a cuddle. Age creates a natural distance. The boy’s relationship with his parents - which serves as the blueprint for all of his relationships - has perfected this natural distance. No hugs. No touching. No kisses. No love. The boy has internalized this relationship model and even if he sees other examples on television, what he has learned from his parents is natural to him.

On his parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary, the boys cousin, armed with a camera, asks the married couple to mark their special occasion with a kiss. After initial evasive maneuvers, the deed is done. The boy can’t watch. The feeling of shame hits him like a train suddenly and unexpectedly, just as it had when he was four. However, the feeling is no longer just reserved for himself, he also feels it for his parents. He feels it in all instances of closeness and intimacy.

So what is this feeling?

Its an inner tremor. You feel run over, an urge to flee, alienation from yourself. But it also shows us social boundaries. Some boundaries might be useful, others are destructive. The feeling is intersubjective, even if it works differently for each person and situation. Society defines where boundaries lie.

Consider this example of internalised shame: When someone is home alone farting, the feeling of shame does not arise. However, if that person has internalised "social taboos" to an extreme extent, he (or she) can fart alone in a room and still experience this sinking, dirty feeling. they might even suppress the fart to avoid it.

The boy learns that shame is deeply rooted in him and arises when interacting with others. He learns he has internalised social shame andbegins to work to release himself from it.

I am the boy.

I no longer have a problem with nudity or sex, in fact, I smirk when shit hangs from the anal chain and I can smile when thinking about having sex on the dance floor at the Pornceptual. Being naked in itself is a release of my spirit, and when I do the penis propeller it's because I'm having fun with it, not because I'm covering up insecurities.

I can take hand of the person who means the most to me, I can take it, kiss it and I can kiss my partner's mouth. If my mother is in the same room, It doesn't bother me.

When consensual sensual touching of adults brings out the destructive side of shame, social boundaries and taboos must be torn down and a new society created.

About the Autor:

As far as I can remember, especially in my family life, everything related to nudity and sexuality was taboo, ignored or ridiculed. A loving physical closeness was something I was ashamed of. Today I have taken many steps towards myself. And in order to be who I really am and to lead a lively life, I also need a social framework in which I can move authentically. A society in which people treat each other in an appreciative, open and tolerant manner, because where the consensual sensual touch of adults causes the destructive side of shame, social boundaries should be torn down and a new society created.

Your shame LESS team

A Paper on Shame