In this first part of our “Interview on Shame” with psychotherapist Dr. Bahri from Berlin, he explains what shame is, where it comes from and how we can learn to deal with it in a healthy manner. Like what you read? Stay tuned for the next two parts!

"We are almost afraid of shame, like a kind of emotional phobia.”

Why do we feel shame?

Shame is a social emotion that has evolved over generations. But of the six innate feelings that we have identified by observing the facial expressions of babies, shame is not among them. Rather, shame is a learned emotion that depends on social interactions and is influenced by cultural, age, belief systems, and other contextual differences.

Shame functions like an inner riding crop that reminds us to follow socially agreed-upon rules. When we violate these rules, we experience an unpleasant feeling of shame. This experience helps us to avoid repeating the same behavior in the future. The trouble is, the socially agreed-upon rules of what is shameful can vary from one context and culture to another, making it difficult for people to know when they are acting appropriately or not.

In your opinion, is shame connected to the expectations and perceptions of others, or is it rather intrinsic and personal?

Shame is generally connected to the expectations and perceptions of others. It only arises in the presence of “observers” who have agreed on a behavioral index of rules. When the boundaries of these rules are violated, shame arises. We are often unconsciously taught how to behave during the imprinting phase between four and eleven years of age.

However, it is also possible to feel ashamed even when we are alone by imagining being observed by our parents, bosses, or friends. The ability to feel shame can also vary among individuals, with those who have rigid values and beliefs being more prone to feeling ashamed. Some people may also have a sense of life-shame, which results from being taught early on that they are wrong or bad in some way. This is a serious weight to carry!

When is shame unhealthy or pathological?

Shame can be seen from a biological, evolutionary, or psychological perspective. Psychological shame that occurs too much or too often can be considered pathological, leading to a disturbance in everyday life and a restriction in functioning. Pathological shame can result from repeated messages from caregivers or imprinting people that a person is wrong or bad. This can lead to internalized thoughts of shame and manifest in behaviors such as self-deprecation, fear of being exposed, self-devaluation, and self-harm.

The Imposter Syndrome is a specific form of shame, where the fear of being exposed and discovered is deeply rooted. This type of shame relates to one's entire identity or existence and is much more stressful than being ashamed of specific actions.

Shame is a learned emotion that requires a cultural context and is not innate. The intensity of shame can vary among individuals, with both nature and nurture playing a role. Research suggests that the expression of shame corresponds to previous experiences, making it an acquired emotion. However, the processing of emotions in the amygdala, tonsil nuclei, prefrontal cortex, and other parts of the brain is innate and can influence the expression of shame. The debate over the relative importance of nature and nurture in shaping human emotions and behaviors is ongoing.

When is the absence of shame unhealthy or pathological?

There are a few very rare medical conditions, oftentimes genetic abnormalities or rarely consequences of brain injuries, that cause certain feelings not to occur. For example, there are people who cannot feel fear, which means that they can’t make use of the protective function of fear - it is simply not available to them. I am sure that there are analogous observations regarding shame.

In order to define the term unhealthy, we first need to consider what healthy means. Healthy describes complete physical, psychological and social well-being. Unhealthy would therefore be anything that somehow prevents, disturbs or impairs this state; which in turn depends very much on the individual goals of a person. If one behaves in a way that is suitable to scare away other people, and if this is the persons goal, their behavior has served its purpose. If one suffers from loneliness as a consequence, this would be harmful or unhealthy . Possibly, a more profound or appropriate sense of shame wouldn’t have led to the establishment of this distance.

We perceive someone as shameless if their behaviour irritats us. If someone appears too self-confident or lacks modesty, we may also judge them as shameless. Thus, a person who is perceived as shameless could have disadvantages. Nudity is a good example to see how context-dependent shame is. In the sauna, in hedonistic circles, at the KitKat Club or even by the beach in the naturist area, nudity is not an issue, but in the wrong situation it can even become a criminal act of public exhibitionism. A lack of sensitivity for the perception of other people can also be understood as an absence of shame, which would presumably cause trouble for oneself and thus hinder psychological and social health.

In the end, this means that as long as one basically has the ability to have feelings of shame but isn't ashamed in everyday life but at the same time has a sensitivity and a certain empathy and perceptiveness for the needs of people as well as certain inappropriate things that would trigger shame in the other person, but do nothing to protect myself as well, then in principle I do not need to feel ashamed at all. As long as one has the shame and the shame feeling of the others in the view, it is to be led around a healthy life not compellingly necessary to be ashamed, except on these concrete situations referred.

The good thing about shame is that it works unconsciouslym. You act a certain way, feel ashamed automatically and don't have to do anything else. Without shame, we would have to actively construct the feedback regarding socially conforming behavior that this emotion gives us. If we are distracted or inattentive, it might be that our sense of shame doesn’t function as well. This can be trained, so that in certain situations it would be easier to decide how to behave - or we simply don’t care as much. If you are in an unpleasant state and want to avoid revisiting that feeling at all costs, you might stop doing certain things at all, which restricts your personal freedom immensely and would thus be unhealthy.

How can we detect if shame is holding us back in our life? How can we address and/or deconstruct shame in a safe and healthy manner?

As Sartre says "l'enfer, c'est les autres" - hell is other people. When your boundaries and those of your neighbors don't align, we tend to think we have two options: We could stay and adapt to the new or we could move on and remain the same. But there is often a third option hiding in plain sight: We could confirm in circles where we might otherwise stand out and, at the same time, we can also seek out circles that confirm our uniqueness exactly as it stands.

Shame subsides on its own, but can be uncomfortable. Feeling ashamed, such as after a public mishap like farting on stage while giving a speech, subsides and habituates over time. "Shame Exposure" can help us build up resilience by repeatedly confronting shame-inducing situations. This process can be challenging but is useful in overcoming shame.

Unawareness of shame sources can lead to avoidance behavior driven by fear of shame. This behavior may not align with one's desired image and may result in finding alternative explanations for discomfort. We may try to avoid admitting fear and instead find alternative explanations to hide discomfort. This behavior may be referred to as reaction formation in psychoanalysis. For example, I may feel shame when inviting someone to my home and try minimize this feeling by rarely inviting visitors or telling myself that I like to be alone. Through analyzing these feelings and thoughts and recognizing the connection to shame, I can help myself in addressing and overcoming the negative feelings.

Becoming aware of shame as a motivator and replacing it with self-acceptance can prevent feelings of weakness or insufficiency. A practical tool to gain awareness of this mechanism of emotion phobia is to ask questions such as: 'Is it possible that I'm feeling shame right now? Do I want to avoid unpleasant feelings in some way, and is my behavior controlled by these fears?' Using these and other thought tools may help us better understand our feelings and accept ourselves.

Dr. Bahri

Interview with a Psychotherapist - Part I